Today in my yoga class information starting downloading to me as I moved through my poses. I never know when inspiration will hit but when it does I have to remember it! Now as I sit here in front of my computer, ready to write, I find all that wisdom escaping me. Wait, here it is….
Today’s lesson is about consciousness. Like so many of you, I have been experiencing an array of emotions this year. Anywhere from peace, joy and satisfaction to complete and utter frustration and anger. It makes me feel extremely vulnerable especially when I’m having an emotional experience amongst a bunch of strangers. I try to understand it and seek to find the lesson in the experience and then I do my best own it! I set out this year to make it a big year, to change the way I was living, to receive more abundantly, to love more fervently, to engage more passionately, to be utterly inspired and to feel free. Those are some tall orders that I placed on Spirit and myself, but I was determined I wasn’t going to do my life the same old way, any longer. I am approaching a landmark birthday (but really aren’t all birthdays landmarks)and when I started this year, I was done with my old life. Truly done .
What I have found as I embarked on this new, truly awakening, fully conscious journey, was that it felt hard. Not hard in the sense where decisions, complaints and worries are all stuffed into a complicated ball hovering around me but hard in the sense where I was being called to live the most conscious me I could muster, could handle, could enjoy. Hard where I would have moments of absolute, extreme clarity and wonder how the f*&k did I get here to this place; you know those stark raving ‘clear moments’ that make you want to recoil right after you see them and fly back to the dreamy non-clear, safe existence you were living.
What I realized on my mat today, was that all this clear consciousness heals me of all the blocks and stops I experience in my life. Lately I’ve been reading and ravaging all things I can get my hands on that will truly change my perspective, my thoughts, my beliefs, my heart and my soul. With that ravaging, I’ve become aware of many of my limitations and beliefs that have been holding me back. Before I go on to what I learned, I want to give you an example of one of these moments that I worked through. I may be shattering the profound bubble you may have of me in your head when you see how rudimentary it really was.
One of these ‘clearing moments’ for me happened at the dog park I go to. This is an unofficial dog park (meaning it’s not really a dog park so it’s supposedly safer) with people who all feel they are the mayor of the park and their dog is the best – behaved dog on the field. Most times when I visit this park, I have an experience that leaves me feeling lost, alone, uncomfortable and strange. Why, may you ask does she still go back? I asked myself that exact question this week. The answer I received took me back to my childhood. I went to a very strict catholic school with wealthy kids who were mostly mafia daughters. I came from a divorced family, my father was a cop (the enemy to the mob) and my mother struggled to pay the tuition and our bills. I was a misfit there. Always messy, always loud, always assertive (they said aggressive), I never fit in. I realized that this dog park represented the playground of my youth; that I kept going back because subconsciously I was trying to rectify the same feelings I experienced on the playground in my youth. I was trying so hard to get these people at the dog park to see me, to like me, to understand my dogs and my neurotic behavior around them. (My dogs are huge and people can be taken aback by their size) When my dogs misbehaved (just expressing themselves…they are dogs and they express themselves differently), I would look to feel accepted and liked by the other dog owners but instead was met with a cold shoulder and a peculiar stare. Walking away feeling deflated and defeated, I finally, FINALLY recognized what the message I was supposed to be getting from the experience was; it was clear as day. I was trying get them to see me, like me and accept me…fit in…..and not feel like that single lousy parent raising two rambunctious kids that are causing trouble. I allowed myself to feel alone and rej ected (feelings of the single mother’s I have worked with and took on…oh the joys of being empathic). I was trying to get them to accept me and all my nervous energy while trying to get my dogs to behave.
What I learned this morning was the awareness of this situation, how it makes me feel, and how it reverts me back to feelings so deeply rooted in my childhood. That clarity is enough to help me be aware and change my behavior, reaction and feelings in the situation. I don’t need to tap it out, sing it out, shout it out, burn candles and dance around my room (although all of that is fully acceptable), all I need to do is be completely and utterly conscious of it so I can change my experience around it. I can change how I feel about it, how I feel about myself, how I react to others and how I feel about my dogs. I can put my shoulders back and stand tall knowing I am a perfectly flawed, amazing person with all of these emotions running through me. I am emotionally available and alive and that makes me unique. With this awareness I can turn run after my dogs, laughing, telling them no and hugging them for the unique animals they are. We are perfect just as we are – flawed, emotional and human!
